Men, have you ever harbored a secret desire to look like Jennifer Lopez from the waist down? Do you want women to call you “studmuffins,” as Gilda Radner famously did to Dan Ackroyd on SNL? Has your life been ravaged, your nights tormented, by the heartbreak of flat butt syndrome, a.k.a. “gluteal amnesia”? Well, now there’s hope!
According to this article, women aren’t the only ones taking advantage of “cosmetic buttock procedures.” That’s right, male humanoids are now having fat Hoovered out of their bellies, love handles, and probably their heads, and getting it injected into le derriere. There’s been a “bump” in the number of guys submitting to this, from 2.2 percent of all such surgeries back in ’97 to 6.2 percent last year. There’s a similar tush – I mean push – in sales of “buttocks-enhancing underwear” for men.
The article, which is only slightly tongue in cheek (now cut that out!), describes this process as a solution for a guy who’s always had “a nonexistent butt. Zero.” He further says, “I’m not a girl so I’m not worried about having a table back there you could sit a coffee cup on. I just wanted to be able to put on a pair of pants and for them to stay up.” Another guy who’s had this done helpfully says, “I feel more confident and synergistic.” Okay. But did y’all maybe think about trying something just a tad less extreme? Like getting some custom-tailored pants?
Face it: Unless you’re an honest-to-God, working professional model, you’ve got no reason whatsoever to even THINK about using “cosmetic” and “buttocks” in the same sentence. And just remember, boys: you’ll be sitting on the results of this operation for the rest of your life. Anybody who’s eager to go under the knife (especially in Florida) should prep by reading Carl Hiaasen’s hilarious “Skin Tight,” in which, among other things, a woman who had breast implants ends up suing the doctor over damage to her husband’s eye. (Speaking of Florida funnymen: as Dave Barry might say, wouldn’t “Gluteal Amnesia” be a great name for a rock band?)
Women, if your man ever reverses roles on you and asks the time-honored question, “Do these jeans make my butt look big?” you’d better say yes.
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