So you still don’t want to die a horrible death from Covid

September 22, 2025

Dear___,

We’ve received your request for the updated Covid shot. We don’t recommend it because as you know, all vaccines are distilled from the blood of Beelzebub. But since we promised to pass out the stuff to a select few Americans, please answer the following questions to confirm you’re (1) over 65 or (2) have some other unsound reason for being “at high risk.”

1. Is your nose hair longer than whatever’s left on your head?
2. Do you use “correct grammar” in texts? Or anywhere else? Who cares? What good is grammar when our world is a raging, stinking cauldron of pharmaceutical poison?
3. If you’re a woman, describe the pain of being old, decrepit, and unfuckworthy ever since you turned 35.
4. If you’re a man, list your current HQ (hardness quotient) with and without Viagra (FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T SEND PHOTOS OR VIDEOS).
5. Can you explain these song lyrics by “Bob” somebody? “There’s no success like failure and failure’s no success at all.” WARNING: Singing to us over the phone will result in immediate expulsion to Donbas, Russia.
6. Did you know we’ve had two presidents named “George Bush?”
7. Are you mitochondria-challenged? And don’t say, “No, I water them every day along with the hydrangeas.”
8. Do you subsist on Twizzlers, Krispy Kreme, Red Bull and Chipotle takeout?
9. Do you have cancer or asthma? What’s your excuse? If you’re obese you have no excuse. Get on Wegovy already.
10. Have the chemtrails activated the chip that was implanted in your brain at birth by a Harvard Medical School grad? A “No” response means the chip is working.

You can get your shot now. Kidding! Since we’re blowing up Social Security anyway, we’ve decided all the old folks except our President For Life should go ahead and croak. The rest of you high-riskers will learn to be better citizens at our Mental and Spiritual Retraining camps, coming soon to an endangered wilderness near you!