I confess!

January 26, 2023

REPORT OF INVESTIGATION

SUBJECT: DAVID “DAVE” SWAN

OFFENSE: (ALLEGED) POSSESSION OF CLASSIFIED DOCUMENTS

Basis of investigation

Agent (redacted) received tip from neighbor that subject used to work for U.S. government, yet plays “un-American music”* on backyard deck and refused to buy MAGA Mints and Sedition Snaps from Proud Girls troop. Exhaustive online probe confirmed federal employment. Decision made to search home ASAP for any classified materials illegally retained.

Results of investigation

Subject greeted Agents (redacted) and (redacted) cordially. When told of reason for visit, he cooperated fully, once he stopped laughing. Access was provided to home office, computer, and closet. After search lasting approximately six hours, items of interest recovered include:

• 8,963 photos of subject in beach environment. Example above.
• High school yearbook. Date supports theory based on “retired” status and Social Security card that subject is in fact “Old.”
• Expired taxi driver’s license. Photo does not resemble Robert DeNiro.
• Cub Scout uniform deteriorated to point of biohazard.
• Documents seeming to lay out extensive meetings with foreign contacts in capitals including Moscow, Beijing, and Tirana.** Careful examination found they were expense vouchers for approved travel. When asked why he kept these 30-year-old papers, subject said, “Hey, you never know.”
• Apparent contraband Cuban cigars.*** Agent (redacted) attempted to confirm origin by smoking one. Regrettably, as test object was extremely old and dry, it ignited in manner resembling blowtorch. Agent (redacted) ended participation in search by dousing face under kitchen faucet and running screaming out front door.

Conclusion

Search yielded no classified materials or other items to merit filing of charges. However, continued watch on subject is recommended, because various of his statements and stories appear to be fiction.

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*Music was “Bebop,” which in the 1940s was attacked by uninformed critics as “Chinese music.” However, research indicates “Thelonious Monk” was not a member of a foreign religious order.
**Tirana is an actual capital, of Albania. Before his unscheduled departure, Agent (redacted) argued it must be in Canada. Subsequently it was learned that natives often pronounce “Toronto” like “Tirana.”
***Wrapper showed cigars were from Miami. Who knew?