A few weeks ago, I alerted you to a new cultural trend: men (!) resorting to surgical enhancements to escape the torment of flat butt syndrome. You might have thought this was a bum steer, but I’m now pleased to report that this issue has been recognized by an actual Newspaper, in a column by Joyce Wadler, one of the best and funniest writers anywhere.
Ms. Wadler recounts how shocked she was to find that le derriere had gone le flat, but instead of rushing to a doctor, she chose the sensible solution and ventured into the brave new world of padded (lower-body) unmentionables. Not being afflicted with FBS (if anything, I’ve got a touch of the opposite problem), I had no idea there was such an amazing assortment of these garments out there! Sorry to tell you, guys, but wadding up a couple of old socks and duct-taping them to the inside of your jeans won’t work. No prob, though: you can order some real padded BVDs (be sure to check out the “Tight End” and the “Boybubbles”) from any number of websites and probably from any gay shop in Manhattan. Hey, no one will ever know except the NSA.
While we’re on the subject (underwear), I couldn’t help noticing the latest gimmick from Fruit of the Loom. It seems that if you post to your LinkedIn account that you’ve changed jobs or found a new one, you’ll get a nice little message offering you a free pair of FOTL undies! Why? “Because great-fitting underwear can help you start your workday in a great mood.”
Oy. I’m all for leveraging synergies but this seems like terminal TMI. Let’s get a show of hands: How many of you would (a) delete the message (b) accept the offer and wear the goods with pride (c) donate them to the nearest homeless shelter, or (d) speed-dial the vice squad to report that “Some pervert is trying to mail me underwear!” What if you’ve got a gender-neutral name like Jess or Gaga, and instead of manly-man boxers, you end up with pink bikinis (or vice versa)? At the very least, you’d be confessing your preferences in panties to yet another corner of the ‘net.
I would like to note that I have NOT acquired any new jobs lately, and if FOTL is watching, please don’t try to compensate me for these humble words. However, I do know a potential customer who’s recently gotten a new gig. His name is Francis, he lives over in Rome someplace, and he probably does have a LinkedIn account.
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